To: All Employees
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who
represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
employment outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is
called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal
with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled
to Get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP
are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES
or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride
in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our
employees more SHIT than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job
see your immediate supervisor.
YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE
ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.