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Work, the Wool & the Web
<>  Killer Resume Excerpts

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21,1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.

  1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
  2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
  3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
  4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
  5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
  6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
  7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
  8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
  9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
  10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
  11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
  13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
  14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
  15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
  16. My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
  18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
  19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
  20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
  21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
  22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
  23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
  24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
  25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
  26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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