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		< >  Real Life Performance Evaluations Actual quotes from Federal employees performance evaluations: "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them..." "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." These lines are out of OER (Officer Efficiency Reports performance appraisal for the military): Not the sharpest knife in the drawer... Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching... A room temperature IQ... Got a full 6pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together... A gross ignoramus. 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus... A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on... A prime candidate for natural deselection... Bright as Alaska in December... Onecelled organisms outscore him in IQ tests... Donated his brain to science before he was done using it... Fell out of the family tree... Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming... Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it... He's so dense light bends around him... If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate... If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week... If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change... If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean... It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm... One neuron short of a synapse... Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled... Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes... Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby... Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead...